When Love Shows Up: Weekly Reflections about God’s Presence

Rector’s Blog, When I Became an Episcopalian - Part 2 - The Rev. Philip DeVaul

Do you believe you can be yourself at church? Do you think you can be yourself in front of God? I don't like admitting that I've had problems with this my whole life. I remember during the years when I was unaffiliated with church and was actively questioning if I even believed in anything. I could never bring myself to say I wasn't Christian, because what if I died in that moment and went to Hell? What is that other than the belief that you can't be your whole self in front of God?
That night I was at a table with people who all believed different things and said that aloud. A couple of lifelong Episcopalians who never had serious doubts. A gay Christian who loved Jesus and felt safe being himself at this church. One guy who said he wasn't sure he bought any of it but was there to sort things out. And me - a former fundamentalist turned spiritual-but-not-religious agnostic conservative liberal Jesus lover who'd had a recent conversion experience and was just trying to understand how to be Christian again. And we were all together. It was such a mess. Thank God.
The third thing I remember is the cookies.

Rector’s Blog, When I Became an Episcopalian - The Rev. Philip DeVaul

Shortly thereafter I moved to Los Angeles, which was about an hour from where I grew up, and started going to the farmer's market on Sundays. I wanted to be a Christian, but I didn't know how. Some people say you can be Christian on your own terms and all by yourself. Maybe they're right. My experience has been otherwise. Community is central to this faith. It would be like saying you can be married on your own terms and all by yourself. It became clear to me that I wasn't going to believe in Jesus all by myself. I was going to have to try to find a church that I could stand and that could stand me. I wanted my life to look like I meant it.
I decided to give the farmer's market a break and go to church. But the idea of finding a new church was overwhelming. So I just started driving back to my hometown and taking my Grandma to our old church. The one I had left. The one I didn't know what to do with. I knew the first Sunday that it wasn't my place anymore. But I kept going for a couple months. I still loved the pastor there very much. And I loved my Grandma. Sometimes I'd come down the night before and do my laundry at her house. Then my clean clothes would smell like her cigarettes for a week. We'd sit in the same pew as when I was growing up. The people who remembered me seemed happy to see me. When the offering plate came around, my Grandma would slip me a $5 bill so I wouldn't be empty-handed. She always did it without making eye contact, like we were dealing in contraband.
It wasn't my church anymore. It wasn't going to be. I wasn't angry or bitter. I just didn't belong there anymore. And one Sunday I skipped. I slept in. And I called up my buddies to see who was going to the farmer's market. They were all sleeping in that day and I was definitely not going to go by myself. I resigned myself to a quiet morning. A few minutes later, my roommate peaked his head into my room. He and I were friendly enough but not really friends. We rarely hung out. We certainly didn't go places together. He said, "Hey I'm thinking of going to the farmer's market. You wanna go?"

Nourished by Ritual - The Rev. Philip DeVaul

Do you remember the bowls you used for your breakfast cereal as a child? I do. We had these light blue hard plastic bowls with rims on them. I ate cereal every morning without fail. Somehow my kids have managed to get us to make them eggs or pancakes or waffles from time to time. When I was growing up, if we had eggs or pancakes for breakfast it was probably a holiday. Waffles were for brunch buffets. Day in and day out I ate cereal out of one of those blue bowls.
Maybe it wasn't cereal bowls for you. Maybe you can close your eyes and immediately picture the plates and flatware you used at the dinner table, or the glass you used for juice. What is it for you? Can you see it?
These things were not, in themselves, spectacular. They were simply there every day. They did not need to prove themselves as flawlessly designed. We don't remember them for being particularly beautiful. We remember them because we used them over and over again for years. I can still remember placing the bowl on the coffee table in the family room then sliding down the couch onto the floor - because if I sat on the couch itself, the bowl would be too low. So I'd sit criss-cross on the floor and that blue bowl overstuffed with cereal and milk would be just below my chin, and that way I wouldn't spill and maybe my mom wouldn't notice I hadn't used a placemat. I realize now I loved it there.

Rector’s Blog, Nourished by Training - The Rev. Philip DeVaul

I was talking to a friend recently who is a pilot, and he told me that 30% of his flight training focused on emergency landing and crashing. For all the complexity of plane mechanics, navigation, the physics of flight, and the proper technique for taking off and landing, a full third of the lessons are devoted to catastrophic events.
And that makes sense. If you're sending someone up in the air, you don't just want them to know how things work when everything is going well, you want them to have a clear picture of what it looks like when things go wrong, so they can handle the stress of the situation. I had heard about this emergency preparedness for pilots before, funny enough, in a book about churches navigating tumultuous and changing times. The author had been having a similar conversation with a flight instructor and had asked why so much time was dedicated to emergency situations. The instructor responded, we tend to believe that in high pressure situations people have a tendency to rise to the occasion - but in reality, in moments of crisis, people revert to their training.
That really knocked me over. When the chips are down, people don't tend to become superhuman. We tend to be ourselves. This is not a negative judgment of people, just an observation. I myself like to imagine how I would respond in an emergency. I have very little interest, however, in training for an emergency.

Rector’s Blog, Nourished by Giving - The Rev. Philip DeVaul

I could drop a loaf of bread off on your doorstep and ring your doorbell, and see you smile through a window, or from a bit of a distance and we could have little awkward conversations that meant I love you even when we didn't say it.
My job is to facilitate a community that is founded on love. And most of the ways we knew how to share that love were just gone for a devastating amount of time. We are nourished by love and for a time there, many of us felt like we were starving.
I began to pray while mixing the dough together. I would say a prayer for the specific people for whom I delivered the bread. I would think of them as I removed the lid from the piping hot Dutch oven and saw how the bread had risen. I did not wait around to watch them eat it; I did not sit by my phone waiting for thank you texts. I'm not saying I didn't care if they liked it or not. I always hoped they did of course. But I was not fed by gratitude. I was nourished by the giving.
The feeling of being able to do something for someone else is deeply fulfilling, and that is no accident. It is built into us.

Rector’s Blog, Nourished by Community - The Rev. Philip DeVaul

A few weeks ago, a woman from out of state was visiting her daughter here in Cincinnati and they both came to church. It was very obviously the mom's idea, but the daughter was game. I was talking with them after the service and the local daughter just asked me point blank, "So why should I come to your church?" I just laughed. Why can't everyone be this direct? "Oh, wow," I said, "I don't know if you should. I can't pretend it's for everyone." She appreciated that, and I asked her if she knew about The Episcopal Church and she said yes, and that she'd even checked out our website before showing up and that she liked what she saw. But she had still asked the question.
Well, I said, because we humans are built for community. We are literally made for one another. We are not meant to be alone. And we're lonely. And we need community. And this place, I said, this place is a community that is founded on unconditional love. You can find a community that is founded on all sorts of things, on your wealth or status, on the color of your skin or your last name. You can find communities based on shared interests or neighborhoods, and all these things can combat loneliness in one way or another. But what your community is based on matters. And this place, this community is founded on the premise that you are completely and fully loved and that you belong in community just as you are.

Nourished by Love - The Rev. Philip DeVaul

That's the trick with nourishment: It is not permanent. It is not one-time only. Our need is ongoing. We must be fed again and again. This is not because we are broken or faulty - this is how we were made. Our bodies are built in such a way that they use the nourishment we are given and then need more. It's perpetual, and in fact is a sign that we are alive and thriving.
I tell my kids I love them every day. I have one child who, when I call him over to tell him something, says, "You're gonna say you love me." And he's right. I am. Every time. Because I do. And also because I do not believe once is enough. I've heard people say, "Well so-and-so never says it, but I know they love me." That is not going to be the case for the people around me. I try to tell people that I love them regularly, because I do, and because I believe hearing it repeatedly matters. I don't often think of myself as a disciplined person, but telling people I love them is one of my disciplines.
And I know words aren't everything. I know it. "I love you" can ring hollow if not backed up by action. The words can be misused, abused, twisted. If rule number one is tell them you love them, the second rule is act like it's true. But the act of loving people cannot be a one-time event. It cannot be. Because our Gospel belief is that we are made by the God of Love, that we are made out of the abundance of God's love, and that we are made for loving and being loved. It is the most fundamental truth of our being. And that means we need to be nourished by love. We need it again and again, day in day out.

Rector’s Blog, Older - The Rev. Philip DeVaul

Sometime in my 30's I drove by the school for the first time in what must have been a decade, and I was so excited to feel that feeling again, or some nostalgic version of it. I almost drove right past the building. It was like they had replaced it with a half-sized replica. I kept looking for it even as I was looking right at it. And then I realized that it was right in front of me, with those tiny steps up to some simple looking doors and the quaint edifice that was definitely lovely, but certainly not imposing.
I'm sure you've had this experience at some point: Some thing or place changing so dramatically over time from how you remember it - changing in size, in magnitude, in meaning. It used to tower over you, and now, well, it doesn't. And you have to adjust.
I turned 44 last week, which is a pretty inconsequential age to be, as ages go. Just good ol' mid-forties. Middle-aged. I'm not going to take this opportunity to wax poetic on the aging process, as I know that about half of you who read this are 20, 30, 40 years older than me, and you don't need to hear my version of the thing you've been dealing with for a while. It's strange though, when I am doing Premarital Counseling with a couple and I begin to talk about "our age" and then realize we are, in fact, very different ages. I was listening to the Beatles the other day, and I realized they were in their 20's the entire time they were together. They were kids. Remember the Sgt. Pepper era when the Beatles all had terrible facial hair? Well of course they did: they were in their 20s! That's when you do that! I am 4 years older than John Lennon was when he died. The Beatles, the bride and the groom, the elementary school, they haven't changed, but you change in your relation to them.

Rector’s Blog, Accepting Blessing - The Rev. Philip DeVaul

My dad was not my hero. He was not perfect, invincible, unassailable or saintly to me. I had a list of complaints for this very human guy. None of that mattered in that moment. I believed the story he told me. I believed him. When I say that I chose to accept him what I actually mean is that I chose to listen to him and to believe his experience as valid and true. That he had been gay as long as he could remember. That he had tried not to be. That he had prayed endlessly, tried to be straight, tried to be what he considered faithful, and that none of it had worked. That he was done trying to be anything other than who he was. And that even though he was scared of my rejection, he was going to be himself and invite me to see the truth of that.Looking back on it, I shake my head to think of how often Christians have made telling the truth a difficult and scary prospect. How judgmental we can be, how condemning. How sure we are of what others' lives are supposed to look like, of what their identities should be, of who and how they should love. When I am feeling idealistic, I like to imagine a world in which Christians have earned a reputation for being gracious and loving, open and thoughtful. You know, like Jesus.

Rector’s Blog, The Political Church - The Rev. Philip DeVaul

I don't like that the church has become political. But then, when was the church not political? We see Jesus as one who founded a spiritual movement rather than a political one. And indeed he intentionally eschewed the partisan binaries of his time. And the language of his teachings didn't fit neatly within the political paradigms. But to take his teachings seriously required people to reorder their whole lives, their relationship to one another, their relationship to their communities and cities, their relationship to power, and therefore their relationship to government. We saw this in the first generation of Christians. This is why they were systematically persecuted, arrested, tortured, marginalized and killed. Their beliefs were seen as threatening to the status quo. Under a government that insisted Caesar was Lord, they proclaimed Jesus is Lord. In a culture where patriotism was reserved for Rome, Paul insisted our primary citizenship is Heaven. How can we pretend that wasn't political?I used to take pride in the fact that the Episcopal Church was one of the few American denominations that didn't split over the issue of slavery. I thought it was really beautiful that we found a way to call ourselves united despite differences. It was lost on me that our church accomplished this by not taking a stand against slavery. We prized the appearance of unity and the enforcement of the status quo over the proclamation of God's liberation of all people in Jesus Christ.
This does not mean we weren't political, by the way. It means we chose the politics of status quo even when it was evil.Because there is no such thing as an apolitical church. It does not exist. It has never existed. The decision not to teach and preach and think and talk together about what is actually happening in our community, in our world is itself a political decision.